Newfie Jokes
Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and
both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty
Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and
thongs."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer
and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied,
"Diesel fitter."
Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick
$160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back
into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and
Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on
the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"
both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty
Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and
thongs."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer
and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied,
"Diesel fitter."
Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick
$160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back
into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and
Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on
the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"
Turner Brown
Skinny little white Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Newfie faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him..
The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Newfie says:
'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Thunderin Jeezus, I tought you said, 'Turn around!
Skinny little white Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Newfie faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him..
The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Newfie says:
'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Thunderin Jeezus, I tought you said, 'Turn around!
Newfie Vasectomy
A Newfie couple, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband & wife replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the Canada was French, and they didn't want to take the chance because neither of them could speak French
A Newfie couple, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband & wife replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the Canada was French, and they didn't want to take the chance because neither of them could speak French
A doctor in St John's Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor. "I am goin' huntin' tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks."
"Yes, sir!" answers Buddy
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Buddy, How was your day?"
Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor
"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years
"Lard Tunderin' Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?"
I put drops in her eyes!!
"Yes, sir!" answers Buddy
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Buddy, How was your day?"
Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor
"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years
"Lard Tunderin' Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?"
I put drops in her eyes!!
Newfie Lubricant
Way down in the out ports of Newfoundland , Murph's old lady had been
pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the
doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey,
Murph! You just had you a son!
'Ain't dat grand!!' Murph got excited by this, but just then the doctor
spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a
daughter!!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murph got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain't
got done yet!'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had
yourself another boy!'
Murph said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies?' The doctor
said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during
conception.' Murph said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down
with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of
Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.' She said, 'Yeah, I
remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, bye, it's a damn good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!
Way down in the out ports of Newfoundland , Murph's old lady had been
pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the
doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey,
Murph! You just had you a son!
'Ain't dat grand!!' Murph got excited by this, but just then the doctor
spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a
daughter!!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murph got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain't
got done yet!'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had
yourself another boy!'
Murph said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies?' The doctor
said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during
conception.' Murph said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down
with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of
Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.' She said, 'Yeah, I
remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, bye, it's a damn good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!
PICK UP LINE
A Newfie walks into a Toronto pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Newfie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Newfie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Damn thing's an hour fast!'
Newfie Millionaire
Jarge, from Newfoundland ,appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' And towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 dollars.
"You've done very well so far," said Meredith Vierra,
The show's presenter, "but for a million dollars
You've only got one life-line left – phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?"
"Yes,Buy," said Jarge. "I'll have a go Aye!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
A) sparrow
B) thrush
C) magpie
D) cuckoo
"I ain't gatta a clue." said Jarge, ''so I'll use one-a dem dare loif-loins and phone my friend Charlie back home in Carner Brook."
Jarge called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"You've done very well so far," said Meredith Vierra,
The show's presenter, "but for a million dollars
You've only got one life-line left – phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?"
"Yes,Buy," said Jarge. "I'll have a go Aye!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
A) sparrow
B) thrush
C) magpie
D) cuckoo
"I ain't gatta a clue." said Jarge, ''so I'll use one-a dem dare loif-loins and phone my friend Charlie back home in Carner Brook."
Jarge called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Jarge!" cried Charlie. "Dat's simple......
It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"Lard Je'sus Buy I'm fookin sure."
Jarge hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer Aye cause Charlie gots a grade eight dee-ploma."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Yes it is, Buy"
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Jarge, you've won 1 million Dollars!"
The next night,
Jarge invited Charlie to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Charlie ole cock?
How in da Lards name did you know it was da Cuckoo that don't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"Lard Je'sus Buy I'm fookin sure."
Jarge hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer Aye cause Charlie gots a grade eight dee-ploma."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Yes it is, Buy"
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Jarge, you've won 1 million Dollars!"
The next night,
Jarge invited Charlie to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Charlie ole cock?
How in da Lards name did you know it was da Cuckoo that don't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
